Friday, September 02, 2005

Tomorrow's Newspaper Today - Perhaps

Latest News From The Non-Profits

A report from the Cato Institute has concluded that the insurgency in Iraq and Afghanistan has been financed not by oil interests but by a wealthy remnant of Carthaginians, and must be defeated at all costs. This report, titled “The Fourth Punic War”, has been based on a study by the Bulwarks Of Liberty Foundation, which concluded that the insurgents were using women’s hair in the construction of IEDs.

The Public Interest Foundation, an organization with links to Media Monitors, the East River Institute and the Committee For National Immigration Policy, is demanding that Congress pass a law restricting new immigration by establishing new and rigorous quotas, the purpose of which is to hold down the number of educated immigrants. “We don’t want people coming here with sophisticated ideas from other countries. We want people coming here who[m] we can educate to our own ideas.”

A white paper, just issued by Save The Constitution.org makes a strong case for the creation of vast underground bunkers for the confinement of political dissenters. The hope expressed in the paper is that not only will society be cleansed by their absence, society will be further benefited by the piped-out emanations of methane gas, to be converted to fuel, and carbon dioxide, which can be converted to dry ice for storage of America’s founding documents.

A spokesman for the Wave The Flag Committee, in an recent interview on the Christian Television Network, pointed out that Christians wave the flag from left to right, while Jews wave the flag from right to left. Pat Robertson expressed the view that Christians, as they mature, move from the left to the right, while Jews generally end up on the left. Hebrews For Humanity, a militant Jewish organization, has protested to the FCC.

We’re More Patriotic Than You
, a think tank in northern Virginia, has issued a clarion call for a Constitutional Amendment which would in fact overturn the 22nd Amendment. The 22nd Amendment passed in a groundswell of resentment–mostly Republican–against the four consecutive terms of the Franklin Roosevelt Presidency, and has thereafter limited the Presidency to two consecutive terms. The Harry Truman Presidential Library wishes it understood that President Truman was specifically exempted from the provisions of the 22nd Amendment but declined a try for a third term. Mrs. Truman, it has been rumored, was the reason. And in a legal brief filed in the 11th Federal District Court of Southern Florida, the Electoral Justice Reform Committee has petitioned for a ruling that George W. Bush, because he had not been elected but appointed to the Presidency in 2000, did not actually begin his first term until after the election of 2004 and remains eligible for another term in 2008.

The American Congregation Of Scientists For God has announced that Darwin was an old man with only a rudimentary knowledge of Astral Physics and thus could have no credible viewpoint on the existence of a Higher Being. His “Theory of Evolution” could be nothing more than a hallucination, or a spell woven by Satan. The Society of Concerned Baptists, in a similar statement, has proposed moving the National Capital to Kansas.

Finally, the Freedom For All Committee is recommending that martial law be imposed on all West Coast and North Atlantic states. The statement by the FFAC ends with this summation: “Until the coastal States of this great country, excepting the Carolinas, Georgia and Florida, learn to abide by the Conservative values of America’s heartland, they should be set apart and denied the privileges of full citizenship.”

News from the non-profits is updated every hour on the hour.

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